This is a highly personal entry but I wanted to share it with all the women/couples/families who have or may go through the same thing. Sometimes it helps to put these things out there - I know other people's stories have helped me. Sending love and hope to all of you out there.
Well it has been a while hasn't it? My apologies but 2011 has been quite a strange year for us so far. At the end of January H and I found out we were expecting a baby. We were overjoyed with the news of this much wanted pregnancy, hence life suddenly changed and every spare minute was spent planning and thinking about our new roles as parents.
But alas it was not to be. A week ago we were informed that we had lost the baby. Once again things suddenly changed and we were left not knowing what or how to feel. It seemed like yesterday we were just kids and now we found ourselves dealing with something very grown up.
Grieving after a miscarriage is a strange feeling. We hadn't even had a chance to adjust to the notion of parenthood when all of a sudden the little creature we couldn't wait to know was gone. We were left with a great feeling of loss but it was not the same as the loss of a relative or loved one. Our little person wasn't a person yet so it was like we'd lost a promise or a hope.
Our lives have changed though, not in the way we were expecting but in a new way. We've come through an intense sadness to learn something new about ourselves, about our relationship (a rare occurrence after 12 years!). It surprised me to realise that I assumed H's career would always come first. His refusal to miss a day or work has meant many a missed birthday, anniversary not to mention every single Valentines day. But those things seem trivial and unimportant now because I know that when I truly need him, he will drop everything to be with me - I mean literally drop everything, including knives...mid-service. His extremely compassionate, caring employers did make that very easy, even the week after an 18/20 review had them PUMPING with a new deg menu to boot!
As for me - well I've survived it. This pregnancy wasn't meant to be, in fact 1 in 5 pregnancies are not viable and the number of women close to me who have at one point experienced the same thing is astonishing. One person in particular who has helped me through this - L, you know who you are. Knowing all of the facts and figures does help you see through the grief with a rational, practical outlook. Something was not right, nature did its job and there is nothing to say we won't have a happy, healthy pregnancy in the future, a future we are looking forward to.
On that note I'd like to end by thanking my wonderful GP and the amazing nurses and doctors at the Royal Women's Hospital. The level or care and compassion we have received has been second to none and they deserve much more recognition than this.
Good night lovelies xx